by Sharmila Biswas

"Don’t ever forget where you come from," was the standard prelude to most sermons in the Biswas home – a phrase I’m all too familiar with. In return, I would cheekily retort: "Dad – hello – I’m from Winnipeg." In all honesty, however, I really wasn’t always sure. I knew my parents wanted my sister and I to hold onto our Indian roots, but for me, that heritage also included elements of Canada – which was, after all, the country into which I had been born.

Like many first generation Canadians, as a child of immigrant parents, I felt trapped: impelled to choose between embracing Canadian mainstream culture and my parents’ values and traditions. After years of grappling with the issue, I think I’ve reached some balance, but intergenerational conflict is a daily reality and for many, it can be a source of alienation.

Sunita Das* came to Winnipeg from India with her family in 1977. She was five years old at the time. Today, she practices dentistry in Toronto, and although she had many of the same freedoms and liberties as her peers, issues around dating and boyfriends are still taboo subjects in her parents’ home. "My parents left India almost 25 years ago, and their Indian values have remained frozen. But even Indian values in India have evolved since then," Das says.

Decisions about dating, career choices, education and marriage are usually individual decisions in the West. However, in many eastern cultures – Chinese and South Asian, in particular – parents make these life decisions for their children. As a result, many immigrant parents find western culture too liberal and they cannot comprehend – and find it highly disrespectful – when their children question or second-guess their decisions. Some young people date behind their parents’ backs, says Das. "You’re not doing it to offend your parents, and you know you’re not doing anything wrong. But you also know they will never understand."

Different ways of thinking, an ongoing need to question authority, openness to taboo subjects (like sex), and a need to establish independence all contribute to intergenerational conflicts. Sima Komeilinejad, an educator at CultureLink, a settlement services agency for newcomers in Toronto, deals with this type of conflict in particular.

The difference in acculturation rates can cause families to experience problems, Komeilinejad says. While children generally take a year to integrate comfortably into Canadian life, their parents can take three years or more, which magnifies the conflict and exacerbates alienation. "This doesn’t mean they are bad parents," Komeilinejad stresses, "they just need time to learn to adapt."

Although eager to integrate into Canadian society, children of immigrant parents still face issues of low self-esteem, racism, isolation, no sense of belonging, and sometimes language problems. Lack of support at home makes these problems worse, sometimes causing aggressive or depressive behaviors and outlooks. Yet the parents often feel burdened and isolated too. Many of their "old world" cultures relegate individual needs and self-reliance to the bottom of the priority pile; family needs and demands come first, and parental authority is thought to be infallible. The parents bear the extra challenge of trying to establish themselves economically and socially in a new land, while still holding on to their traditional authority over the family.

"I felt I couldn’t identify with my own children," says Natalie Perez,* who came to Canada in the 1970s as a refugee from Chile. With $15 in her pocket, she started a new life for herself and her two daughters, but "there was a sense of disempowerment." Raising her children in Canada "was like going into a strange kitchen, someone is telling you to make something, and you don’t know where anything is. Then, they leave you all alone."

Elsie Lam, a Chinese-Canadian, immigrated to Canada in 1988 from Hong Kong at the age of 12. Her biggest hurdle, she says, was trying to maintain power over career choice decisions. "My mother wanted me to be in an ‘acceptable’ profession like pharmacy, but my passion was art," she says. After Lam spent a miserable year trying to fulfill her mother’s wishes, her mother realized how depressed and ill-suited Lam was to a pharmaceutical career, and she eventually supported her daughter’s decision to become a graphic designer.

Proficiency in English and accessibility of information are two factors that also plague many immigrant parents. "Parental status is usually lowered when you have your 11-year-old translating for you," says Komeilinejad. According to Enhancing Intergenerational Communication for Healthier Communities, a 1999 report by the Sexuality Education Resource Centre (SERC) in Winnipeg, "when parents have less mastery of English than their children, they feel even more threatened and inadequate in dealing with parental challenges." Their insecurities are compounded because they often lack knowledge about Canadian culture, which frequently embarrasses their children, she says.

With her knowledge base and focus on youth programs, Komeilinejad says "it is impossible to help students with intergenerational issues without involving the parents. I put most of the blame on the parents – they are usually 99 per cent responsible for intergenerational conflicts." She says parents need to be more understanding, they need to trust their children’s abilities, and learn to listen before giving in to the impulse to say "No."

Although it was not always the case, today I consider myself to be an acculturated success story mostly because I have open, understanding parents, and an older sister who kicked down a few doors for me. It’s been a long and arduous journey, however. Being a first generation Canadian has its benefits: I have had the chance to get the best of both worlds. I still face new challenges every day, but real triumph has been possible through building a solid foundation – and for me, that began at home.

* Last names have been changed.