Things had been bad since we immigrated. My husband is a violent man, always blaming me for everything that goes wrong. When we learned that he was HIV+, things exploded. He accused me of giving him the virus, but I was not a drug user, I was a virgin when we married, and he is the only man I have ever had sex with. When I, in turn, accused him, he grew angry. He said that because I was much sicker than him, it must have been me that was infected first. My doctor said that I was more advanced in my illness because my immune system is weaker: I have carried and cared for two children and there have been many physical and emotional demands on me. (I have accepted that I must now live with AIDS and no longer think about how I got infected, but my husband still continues to get tested at private clinics.)

When our doctor told us that we were both HIV+ but our daughter was negative, he also told us not to have any more children. Reluctantly, my husband used a condom, and soon afterward I obtained a prescription for birth control pills. Because I could speak very little English then, I do not know if the doctor told my husband to continue to wear a condom to prevent reinfection.

Unfortunately, I depended on my husband for everything. I have no family in Canada, and it was a long time before I could speak English. Things would have been different in my home country; my father and brothers would have stopped him from hitting me. But I cannot go back. I haven't enough money, my health is too poor, and my family has other problems. I do not want to be a burden. I write to them, but they do not know why I am sick.

My husband and I separated, and I stopped using the pill. We got back together again after he said he missed my daughter and me, and he acted so nice for a while. We had unprotected sex and I got pregnant. When he found out, he was furious. He accused me of trapping him and pressured me to have an abortion. But I could not kill this baby. My son is now 15 months old, and tests still show that he is negative.

In the last three months things have changed. I have a good doctor and I go to see him without my husband. I have a kind and supportive AIDS worker. I really wish I had met her earlier without her I would not have had the courage to take control of my life. My children and I are moving to an apartment of our own with the aid of Family Benefits Allowance. The congregation of the church where I go is trying to raise enough money to bring my sister to Canada; if something happens to me, I want my sister to take care of my children.

I feel so relieved that I no longer have to depend on my husband, and I am happy that my children and I will finally have a peaceful home. I do not know how long I've got, but each day I take care of myself and my children, so that I can live with them for as long as possible.

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